Grief in the Time of Corona

David Kessler, a grief specialist and author of “Finding Meaning: the Sixth Stage of Grief,” interviewed on Amanpour & Company on Mar 26, 2020 says, “We’re grieving the world we have now lost: our normal life, our routines, seeing people, our work. Everything has changed. ...That normal world is probably gone forever...a change we didn’t want...a loss of our world. Our world as we knew it has died and we’re feeling the sadness. ...so if we name it [grief] it allows us to be sad, to feel those emotions… [As every therapist knows] Our emotions need motion. We need to feel them. Suppressing them isn’t going to work.”

Moreover, we, for the first time in history, are facing so many tragedies as a result of Covid19 without being able to mark deaths with funerals and memorials. We are isolated with our sadness and loss, a hallmark for creating trauma. Kessler says, “... a death needs to be marked when it happens” and recommends that we have virtual funerals for shared grief. In addition, he recommends that we stay in the present moment [e.g. ‘I have food today.’ or ‘ My loved ones are safe today.’] to avoid anticipatory grief [where we might imagine horrible future things such as imaging illness and poverty befalling us and those we love]; and that we find what we can control such as following guidelines: washing hands, staying at home or staying at least six feet apart.

“This is really a time for us to truly become a community...to truly become our brothers’ and sisters' keeper...a moment for us to share what we have.” Having spent time with Mother Teresa, Kessler shares what she noted: that sometimes poverty in America is ‘worse than ours. Here, if a person has one banana, they share it with everyone while in the USA one may have many bananas and not share them.’ Kessler recommends we create an online network to check in on neighbors, find out what people need and what can be shared, to deliver food, for example, to doorsteps (and then step back six feet).

Kessler knows from his work with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross that the five five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, are not linear, and not easy, and that everyone traverses them differently. (Keesler fears that many in the world [Bolsonare of Brazil, until recently, Trump of the USA] are stuck in denial.) From the death of his own son, Kessler found that acceptance was not enough. He introduces the 6th stage of grief, that of meaning. He contemplates: What is there to learn? Where do we find hope? Can we bring about Post traumatic growth instead of PTSD? He says, “We can’t let people die and not find something honorable to bring forth to the future about them.” He gives the instance of his son: In kindergarten his son was voted “most likely to be a helper” which never came to full fruition due to his son’s death at age 21. For Kessler his son’s death brought about his book which now helps others and that gives meaning to his son’s death for his son has now, indeed, become a helper.

Stay safe, everybody. Be strong. Be kind.